With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are
apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who
to spend the rest of their life with. To avoid becoming
a “statistic,” try to internalize these insights.

1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her
to change after you’re married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden
rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way
he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of
mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people
to change after they’re married… for the

So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality,
character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and
personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.


2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on
chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps
it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome.
“I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction
is there, but have you carefully checked out
this person’s character?

Here are four character traits to definitely
check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing
the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other
people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be
nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he
says s/he’s going to do?


Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy
life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I
want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child
to turn out like him or her?

3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand
what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than
not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Jewish tradition
places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of
a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is
the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband
needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to intimacy.
The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs
of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman’s terms.
Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area.
As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds:
on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is
able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented,
he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the
man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his
wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a
common life goals and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

chemistry and compatibility
share common interests
share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that
sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of
you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid
growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,
” while you’re single — and then find someone who has come
to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate
is a goal mate — two people who ultimately share the same
understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the
same priorities, values and goals.

5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately
involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one’s mind.
And a clouded
mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

It is not necessary to take a “test drive”
in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible.

By Bozi


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